Transportation In Heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them, “Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we decide what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now,” he says, turning to the first man, “were you true to your wife?”

“Yes, I was, St. Peter,” says the first man. “I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply.”

“As reward for your complete fidelity,” says St. Peter, “I now give you these keys to a beautiful Rolls-Royce.”

The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. “Sir,” he says, “were you faithful to you wife?”

“Well, St. Peter,” says the second man a little shyly, “I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day.”

St. Peter looks down at the man and says, “As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac.”

As the man takes the keys for his car, St. Peter turns to the third man. “Sir,” he says, “were you faithful to you wife?”

“St. Peter,” says the man, “I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn’t a week of my marriage that I didn’t sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much.”

“Well,” says St. Peter, “we do know that you did love your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you get.” With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter.

Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls-Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says, “Hey, pal, what’s the matter? What could possibility be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls-Royce to drive around in?”

“I know,” says the man through his sobs, “but I just saw my wife on roller skates!”

(Thanks Jenny)

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“The trouble with temptation is that you may not get another chance.” – Edwin Chapin  ( 1857 – 1942 )

 

Breach Of Contract

 Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his new bride.

“What’s the problem?” asked the lawyer.

“I want to hit that adulterin’ witch for breach of contract,” says the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property; you don’t own her.”

“Damn right,” the tycoon replied, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!

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“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Shark School

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

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Man has will, but woman has her way. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

Strange Laws

 – In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

– In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

– Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

– The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

– There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

– In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

– Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

– In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

– In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

– In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however)

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“Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.” – Helen Rowland

Facelift!

 A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a face-lift.

“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.”

“That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”

Six months later the woman charges into the doctor’s office.

“Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.

“Terrible!” the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.

“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady,” the doctor reports, “those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

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“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson