What Men Want

What Men Want

More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptor.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVo so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS’ The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America’s Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke “ejector” stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the “talking” filler.
Head banging elevated to “fine art”.
All money spent on women tax-deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One “Get Out of the Doghouse” card.
At least one GOOD Flaubert translation, but will settle for Proust.

 

I think it was Leo Durocher who said, “Baseball is our national pastime.” And I think it was Heidi Fleiss who said, “Yeah, right.” — Richard Jeni

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