Why The Hurry?

A space-ship carrying some Earthlings lands on Mars, and when they step out of their space-ship, they are surrounded by Martians. But the Earthlings and Martians get along well, and discuss all sorts of subjects, eventually getting around to reproduction. To demonstrate. one of the Martians calls over another, they wrap tentacles around each other, and almost instantly, a baby Martian pops out of a little opening in the back of the adult Martian, who then asks: “How do you Earthlings reproduce?”

The space-ship captain asks one of his female colleagues to assist him, they both get naked, and did the deed.

When they are dressed again, the Martian asks the Earthlings: “Where is the baby?”

The captain explains, “Well, we can’t be sure if our efforts to have a baby will be successful, and even if they are, we won’t see the baby for nine months.”

The Martian is amazed. “If it takes so long to have a baby, why were you both in such a hurry at the end?”

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All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. – Fran Lebowitz

 

 

Farm Humor

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into a New Zealand town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: This dog don’t talk!

Cowboy: Hey dog, how’s it going?

Dog: Doin’ alright.

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Dog: Yep.

Cowboy: How’s he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Rancher: Horses don’t talk!

Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it goin’?

Horse: Cool.

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: How’s he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?

Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)…. Them sheep ain’t nothin’ but liars!!!

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“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels,” Groucho Marx once quipped.

 

 

 

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Phew All There

Phew All There

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts, “Praise Be! You’ve seen the Light!”

“What?” said the Rabbi.

“You crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful.”

“Cross myself?!? No no no ! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place . . . . Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.”
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“The attraction to redheads is a lot like being addicted to drugs.” – Anonymous

 

What Did She Do?

What Did She Do?

“I’m finished with Judi!” Allen exclaimed to his friend.

“What did she do?” asked his buddy

“She broke down and told me she was bisexual.”

“That bothers you that much?”

“Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???”

 

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My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies”. So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.

She cried.

I guess we don’t watch the same kind of movies.

 

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Competitive Swimmer

One morning, while lined up at our local YMCA to check in, a lovely young woman was behind me. She tapped me on the shoulder.

She: I understand you are a competitive swimmer?

Me: Yes I am.

She: What is your favorite stroke?

Me: (I had waited for this for years so I cut loose) In the water, it’s backstroke. On land, it’s breaststroke.

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A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – there’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it.’

 

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